Hello other night owls, another article from the wanderer.
After seeing a few things that reminded me of a life over 3 years ago, it got me thinking about things that went wrong, almost trying to blame myself for it. I think again and I tell myself it’s not my fault, and I can quite clearly see that it wasn’t. Over 3 years ago I was living a life in West Yorkshire, with a job, a house and a few friends here and there. After a year or so I started to notice things, whenever I came home for so long or whatever. That really pushed me away, making life in Leeds a lot easier. I was happy there, but unfortunately, life isn’t always greener on the other side. As much grass as there is in Yorkshire, not all of it was green for me.
Living with other people has it’s advantages, you can become good friends, but you can also become foes over time like with any friendship or relationship. I found people to be quite difficult which didn’t suit me, so I had moved around quite a lot within a year. I finally found peace but got myself into financial trouble over time and that started the mental breakdown. I think a lot of feelings were up in the air as well from back home, including family. It isn’t always easy moving away at a young age, especially if things have been bubbling under the ground in the meantime. At that point, I felt unwell, mentally and physically. I didn’t know if I had a family or friends, it confused me, and upset me. Leaving my mind puzzled and almost leading to suicidal thoughts, the great depression. After learning from experiences that life has given me, it has helped me in a recovery process. I can always look to the good times of course, but I always look at the bad times and see how well I’ve dealt with it since.
Since arriving back home in Devon, life has not been any easier. A lot of bumps in the road, big bumps which again have lead me to suicidal thoughts. It’s not nice having them, the feeling of feeling alone with no to run too. How my life had changed, sigh. The quote “It’ll get worse before it gets better” could not be more true. I can’t say things have got better right now, in some aspects it’s improved but at least I’m not in the same state as I was before. In that time, I have put on weight, lost people in my life, gained new people. Lots of things happen and you don’t tend to notice until periods like now. All in all I’ve done well to deal with things that have occurred in my life, even going back to early school years and losing my Dad. Things are tough, I still have nightmares about things like that but it has made me a strong person over time. I am strong minded, that’s one thing I can praise about myself, I don’t really have much going for me but I don’t want to be society’s ideology, I want to be me.
The long term goal is what it has always been, make mistakes and learn from them to build a better me. How else will a person learn? I’ve done OK, but brilliant, I can admit I make mistakes but it proves I’m human. I have made excellent choices, I’ve made bad ones, it’s all part of the circle of life. The years ahead will be the truly defining ones, take life as it comes and hurdle over the problems.
Thanks for reading this short blog.