I’ve come to a stopping point in my life, I set out to become a success and I’ve become something I fear, a failure. I see so many people that I know enjoying their lives, married, the kids, the house and the cars. I’d love to settle down one day because I want to be happy for once, whether I have half of that or not, I’ll be happy. Looking back on my whole life and I don’t have anything I can shout about, nothing to impress anyone. I can only blame myself for things I’ve had and lost, although I’ve had a lot to deal with when I was younger, the loss of my Dad, my Nan and Uncle. I’m ashamed of my name, what I’ve done in life, I shouldn’t get gratitude for anything that I’ve done. I can pretty much blame myself for positions I’ve been in, having to make new friends, having to stick with a job, all of which collapsed on me. Although I can definitely admit I’ve been too nice to people who haven’t extended the same courtesy as myself, I’m disappointed in a lot of people I’ve met over the past but the real culprit is myself. I’ve been in a long battle with Depression and it has impacted my life in ways I didn’t think it could, it effected my attitude towards life, my attitude towards people including my Family, especially my Mother and her partner, unfortunately Depression and the mood swings cannot be helped or altered. Sometimes they happen because I feel shit and I can’t stop it, and also because Mental Health has changed me, deep in my mind. I want to apologize to anyone I’ve ever hurt, whether it’s something I’ve done or said. The first step to becoming a better person is to admit the faults that I’ve made, I hope in the long run it’ll help. Unfortunately I think it’s too late for apologies because the bridges have already been broken beyond repair, including my Family in which I completely understand if they hate me because I’ve not been a good person. Admittedly I have been hurt by a lot of people as well, which has effected my life in a lot of ways but to also become stronger.
A lot of people can’t admit the truth and it cripples their mind because they know they’ve not been good to people and I feel the same way. All I’ve ever wanted is a group of friends who trust me, like me for who I am, and I expect the same from them. I’ve also wanted a strong family who loves one another, always in contact and never have to hurt them. I have made some awful mistakes over the last 6 years and I am deeply sorry for those mistakes, I understand that it might be too late for that now. My current battle is my toughest yet, it’s provoking me from enjoying life, but then, I don’t really have one. The battle I’m facing is too difficult for me to keep fighting back, to become stronger mentally. It’s done that much damage that I don’t even feel human anymore, I feel I’ve lost myself, I’m sitting in someones body and they’re having a successful life and I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror anymore, who am I? A false identity in a world I don’t understand anymore.
The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that I hope I have a family that want me around, and that love me. That is the only thing that keeps me going, from taking my own life. I don’t ask for much, with all the stuff going on in the world at the moment, I just want to feel part of something, part of life, a part of society in which I’m needed, a family in which I’m important in.
Welcome to my mind, a dark place with very little light in the tunnel, no where to run and hide. Running out of options to keep surviving.