SWINGS AND ROUNDABOUTS

Life isn’t always perfect, there are so many things that hurt us and upset us. I recently managed to find myself in a relationship but within a week it had ended and I am distraught. I can’t deny my anger and disappointment but I have to move on as an adult and a person. There are times where life will throw things in our path that we may not like or desire but it’s life, and let’s be honest, life can suck. We have to deal with it, and it is really difficult. I found myself becoming stronger as a person after a recent break up, not just relationship wise but personally. It made me look at myself and wonder what I’ve done to myself, I need to change because I’m letting mental health get the better of me physically and mentally. In my now free time I will only be focusing on myself, sometime to think, a time to get away. I have been talking about getting away for a while but like I say, life throws things at you which make it difficult. It has now become easy, my destination? Probably my beloved Germany, there are a lot of places there I want to explore. I will be planning it very soon and I can’t wait because I need it, so so much right now. Life can promise so much potential but it can let you down just as easy, let it be a lesson to myself and others.

Alex

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Lost

 

Where am I? I have no idea where I am or what happened last night. All I remember is taking a taxi and getting off, did I make it home? Because this doesn’t look familiar to me.  I don’t remember anything, it’s almost like my mind has vanished, it appears I’m in some kind of subway station but I don’t think I’ve ever been here. Or maybe I have but I just don’t remember anymore. What the hell happened to me? I need to get a coffee or something, if I can find my way out of here. It seems too quiet here for a subway station, maybe it’s later than I think, I’ll wait a few minutes to see if there’s a train. After 15 minutes of waiting the train still hasn’t arrived, I look around to find an exit but everything seems to be locked. Is this a prank or something? Am I in a dream? I decide to walk along the track to the next station to see if I can get out there instead. I really hope there isn’t a train right now, I need to get out of here.

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As I walk along the track I see a ladder up above the tunnel, I can’t reach it it’s too high up. I walk further on and I can start to see some lights, it must be the next platform. There’s a man on the station, as I walk closer to him he shouts “What are you doing down here? You can’t be here!” I explained that the previous platform was locked and I couldn’t get out. “Of course it’s locked, it’s not being used anymore” He replies. I give him a confused look. “This line hasn’t been used since the 1970’s, how the hell did you get down here?” He asks. “I don’t really know, I just woke up here about half an hour ago, I’m not sure what’s going on.” The man shakes his dead and shows me the way to get out. Finally I can get out of here and get home. As I approach the exit of the station I see a machine that dispenses drinks, I could really do with one so I put my hand in my pocket and take out anything I have so I can get a drink. I finally make it out into fresh daylight but I still don’t know where I am, maybe I was drugged last night.

I walk around the square near the station for a while, trying to find out where I am. I spot a help desk in the distance so I walk up and ask the person where I am, in which he replies “You’re in Berlin my friend.” How did I end up here? I take a map from the desk and walk away, still trying to come to terms with what happened in the last 24hrs. Not that I know much about it, all I know is that I’m going to find out some way or another..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again! How is everyone? The last week has been odd but in a good way, probably the best week for a while. Had some social interaction which I don’t mind from time to time, decided to go exploring on the trains around Devon again which was fun. Met a really cool person as well, I do appreciate good things when they do happen. Saw some friends that I hadn’t seen for a while, hosted a BBQ which was really fun! The hangover wasn’t though. It’s almost football season and I’m gearing up for Bristol City in the Carabao Cup, extremely looking forward to it! Haven’t been to proper football in a while, soon that will be over.

 

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My sleeping pattern hasn’t changed which is a shame because I was really tired the other day and I couldn’t sleep. Sleep does effect my mood as well which just makes me feel lower than I normally do. Still want to look at going away but that may have to wait as I’ve spent way too much recently. Bleddy money. Hope everyone is well, more posts soon!

 

Alex

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THINGS ARE PICKING UP.

STUDIES.

A pretty unorthodox post at this time but sometimes the battle to sleep becomes powerful without realizing. As well as monitoring my own personal state, I do like to study other people, not because I’m on a course or anything but just out of my own personal interest. I look to other people to inspire myself and take on tips to improve my own self, people are interesting, in strange but wonderful ways. As a mental health sufferer I always look to help myself but also learn from other sufferers and non sufferers as well, but how can you tell the difference? Well there are some ways where you can see through people, in their body language and tone of voice. You can’t tell someone has depression by just looking at them, you might notice things about the person but it would be offensive to say “You don’t look depressed so you’re just acting up”. Possibly the worst thing you could say to a mental health sufferer, perhaps there’s someone I know who does the exact same things as I do.

You can’t see what goes on in a persons mind, behind every smile is someone that could be clinically depressed or happy as larry. It’s impossible to tell, and I don’t like to intrude so I don’t like to ask, then again, I wouldn’t like it if someone did it to me either, I’m a half open book most of the time. Can be ridiculously stubborn when I want to be, “I’m fine” but inside my mind is rotting away every last happy thought I have. I try not to let it bother me but you can’t change the thoughts you have. The only thing I can do is try, because if you don’t try, what’s the point? Sometimes my mind controls my actions, it’s part of the parcel of mental health for those who also know it or have had it in the past. Although I am trying to think positive if and where I can, I should be thankful for what and who I do have in my life. Of course we all wish that one thing changed, but you can’t change the past but you can change your future, whether you think you have one or not. Most of the time I don’t believe I have a future, whether it’s me or mental health talking, it’s difficult as I say, sometimes my mind controls my actions. I haven’t really been having the support I deserve in the recovery process I find myself in, but I do realize that there are people who are far worse off than I am, a planet of billions of people. Perhaps I feel a bit ignorant in that sense, I obviously do know that there are people who suffer much worse than I am, I’m just another person with a story to tell. I want to keep telling it though and I’m remaining positive that I want to be part of life whether depression knocks me down or not.

There will be more pages to cover in writing in the near future, I feel Word Press is helping me achieve that as it’s a place I feel safe enough to open up a little. Sorry if it’s boring you, I do apologize.

 

A

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FAILURE.

I’ve come to a stopping point in my life, I set out to become a success and I’ve become something I fear, a failure. I see so many people that I know enjoying their lives, married, the kids, the house and the cars. I’d love to settle down one day because I want to be happy for once, whether I have half of that or not, I’ll be happy. Looking back on my whole life and I don’t have anything I can shout about, nothing to impress anyone. I can only blame myself for things I’ve had and lost, although I’ve had a lot to deal with when I was younger, the loss of my Dad, my Nan and Uncle. I’m ashamed of my name, what I’ve done in life, I shouldn’t get gratitude for anything that I’ve done. I can pretty much blame myself for positions I’ve been in, having to make new friends, having to stick with a job, all of which collapsed on me. Although I can definitely admit I’ve been too nice to people who haven’t extended the same courtesy as myself, I’m disappointed in a lot of people I’ve met over the past but the real culprit is myself. I’ve been in a long battle with Depression and it has impacted my life in ways I didn’t think it could, it effected my attitude towards life, my attitude towards people including my Family, especially my Mother and her partner, unfortunately Depression and the mood swings cannot be helped or altered. Sometimes they happen because I feel shit and I can’t stop it, and also because Mental Health has changed me, deep in my mind. I want to apologize to anyone I’ve ever hurt, whether it’s something I’ve done or said. The first step to becoming a better person is to admit the faults that I’ve made, I hope in the long run it’ll help. Unfortunately I think it’s too late for apologies because the bridges have already been broken beyond repair, including my Family in which I completely understand if they hate me because I’ve not been a good person. Admittedly I have been hurt by a lot of people as well, which has effected my life in a lot of ways but to also become stronger.

A lot of people can’t admit the truth and it cripples their mind because they know they’ve not been good to people and I feel the same way. All I’ve ever wanted is a group of friends who trust me, like me for who I am, and I expect the same from them. I’ve also wanted a strong family who loves one another, always in contact and never have to hurt them. I have made some awful mistakes over the last 6 years and I am deeply sorry for those mistakes, I understand that it might be too late for that now. My current battle is my toughest yet, it’s provoking me from enjoying life, but then, I don’t really have one. The battle I’m facing is too difficult for me to keep fighting back, to become stronger mentally. It’s done that much damage that I don’t even feel human anymore, I feel I’ve lost myself, I’m sitting in someones body and they’re having a successful life and I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror anymore, who am I? A false identity in a world I don’t understand anymore.

The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that I hope I have a family that want me around, and that love me. That is the only thing that keeps me going, from taking my own life. I don’t ask for much, with all the stuff going on in the world at the moment, I just want to feel part of something, part of life, a part of society in which I’m needed, a family in which I’m important in.

Welcome to my mind, a dark place with very little light in the tunnel, no where to run and hide. Running out of options to keep surviving.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TIME FOR A BREAK…

 

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Hello humans. It’s been a pretty bad week for me personally, and it’s not even the end of the week yet. It’s almost been a year since I left the UK for the wonderful country of Germany, time has gone pretty fast, an adventure I need again. Life tends to throw hurdles at you quite a lot, you learn to jump over them but when stressed, the motivation to keep jumping sometimes gets too much for me. Over the course of the last 5 years I’ve had to deal with a lot, and I always dread what will come next, unfortunately it is my life and as much as you don’t like it, it’s part of being an adult – you have to deal with it.

What is deserving of a break? I guess we all think different when it comes to deserving something. Based on my last 5 years I don’t deserve anything, but what I could do with is a little break from life. I’m no longer happy and it’s eating my insides, I don’t know where I stand with family, friends and other things. It’s all a bit of an emotional roller-coaster at the moment and it’s getting to the point where I feel a break would be well needed, some time to think. We all look to improve on our life aspects, our personal aspects, at most I try to do that. Things need to change and they need to change quick, I know I’m the only person that can do that, to change my own life I need to implement change myself. I’m quite appreciative of what I have, and sometimes very glad that I made the right decision in life, albeit some bad decisions as well.

I put my self down a lot, possibly when I shouldn’t. I try not to get myself down because of one certain event or person, I fight through it and move on. I’m pretty much a closed book as far as things go and I like it that way, I don’t like opening up too much. Admittedly I do bottle things up and never release any anger or sadness, but as fellow mental health sufferers, it’s not always easy to speak to someone. Unfortunately I lack the motivation to open up to someone because I don’t want to annoy them, or annoy them more, people have their own problems to deal with. I am disliked by people, who isn’t? I have made wrong decisions, like many others and I fully understand where people are coming from. I haven’t seen many people recently, I can’t remember when I last saw my family. I do feel I have let myself go, physically and mentally, and I feel that I don’t want to disappoint anyone with how I’ve changed. Granted I let my self slip away and I can only blame myself, partially.  I don’t mean to disappoint people, sometimes it’s just natural though.

Where do I want to go with my adventure? Who knows. I’d like to go back to Germany, possibly some new cities to visit such as Dresden, Leipzig, Munich, Duisburg, Dortmund. Just a few of the many places I want to visit, but my heart has always been with Germany, regardless of political state. I don’t mind sitting on a coach for hours on end, it’s fun, and cheap. Plus you get to meet funny individuals, a lot of memories to be had. The motivation to do it is pretty easy as far as I’m concerned, but I feel I could get too comfortable like I did last time. I planned to stay 3 or 4 nights in Germany last time, ended up being 8 days. I do like the feeling of being lost in a place I don’t know much about it, it’s all part of the fun. I still managed to get around and back home fairly easily, but I still get the holiday blues when arriving back into the UK – who has it’s own problems currently, politically speaking.

When I get round to making a plan, I’m sure you’ll know about it but I can’t say how long I’ll be. I do need to get away for a while, just to feel a bit lost and different. Anyway, enjoy reading 700 odd words of me rambling on. Hope you’re all good!

Take Care

 

Alex

 

 

 

 

HELLO SUMMER!

Good afternoon, humans. How we all doing? It’s finally summer time, and judging by the weather forecast it will be a pretty hot summer especially in Plymouth. So many plans need to be made, quite fancy a travel around Europe again seeming it’ll be fairly cheap.

Waiting patiently for the new football season to start, no news as to what kit Plymouth Argyle will be releasing yet. We have had some signings though in the form of Former Coventry play-maker Ruben Lamerias and Player of The Season for Morecambe last season, Ryan Edwards, a defender. There has also been some news in the new reformed League Cup, now named Carabao Cup, a energy drink supplier. News came out yesterday that Argyle will travel to local West Country rivals Bristol City, in which I and the Green Army are very looking forward to! Something about a cup away game before the season starts really kicks the season off. Argyle have not played Bristol City since the Championship days, a long time ago. Very looking forward to visiting Ashton Gate again, this time in a new refurbished look.

Looking to plan a few trips to Europe in the mean time, with weather-forecasts looking pretty good I really do want to get away and bask in the heat in a European country. If anyone has any tips for me, places to visit. please let me know! Looking to cover a bit more of Germany and Belgium as there are a few places I want to tick off. Come back in preparation for the new season ahead which I’m very excited for.

More blogs to come soon..

Thanks for reading, folks!

Alex

summer

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