A late post, as I’ve been busy today. So it is World Mental Health Day, as you know I suffer with depression and high anxiety to a point where I’ll have a panic attack in public. Bad days varies, dependent on moods and how my day pans out. The last 2 years have been very difficult for me, with a lot of suicidal thoughts in the process. It’s not a nice feeling but it is a way out, and I have several times in the past tried to take my own life because my life was bad to a point where I didn’t want to exist. My first bout of depression was shortly after my Dad took his own life, that’s when it all started, and of course I was still at school in the most important time of being at school, GCSE year. Which failed and ended up with nothing pretty much. Years of counselling only slightly made me feel better. In more recent years, living away from home got tough, I trusted the wrong people, made wrong judgments and made a lot of mistakes, which lead me to fall into darkness and again, wanting to take my own life because this time I really was on my own. About 400 miles away from where “home” is for me in Plymouth. So as I fell into deep depression, I found my life very strange and difficult, I wasn’t myself at all. I never wanted to go outside, actually for about 9 months I didn’t go outside other than to get my tablets. Considering I’m normally out and about, I couldn’t even manage walking to the shop or even taking the dog out. I wanted to lock myself in my room, cry myself to sleep in hope that the pain would go away. It didn’t, it got a lot worse. For anyone that thinks Mental Health isn’t real, it is not. It’s real and extremely painful, never tell anyone with Mental Health to “Get over it”. Probably one of the worst things you can say to someone, it is the “invisible illness” for that reason. You can’t see it, but you can see what it does to people. Suicide is the 3rd biggest killer in the world. Depression isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign that you’ve been strong for too long. I have been strong in the past but I couldn’t hold on anymore. There are still times where I wonder whether my existence is worth anything in this world, people always tell me I’m useless or whatever but I don’t think I am, I hope. I have officially started my recovery plan, I am taking CBT which is a type of therapy, along with medication and counselling too. Is it improving me? No. But it is getting me out into the real world and making me feel more comfortable. Going outside was almost not the norm for me, but now I have a social life again and I’m building up my confidence although still having anxiety and depression, it does make day to day tasks very difficult. Sometimes I wake up and feel like crap and never wanting to move out of bed, not to due to laziness but to pure pain and tiredness. A million thoughts running through my mind on the daily, not always good thoughts. As I post this, I want you to think, even if you don’t have any Mental Health problems, just think about times where you have felt sad to a point where you feel worthless or don’t want to exist, times it by 100 and you won’t even come close to how someone with depression feels like. I hate judgmental people as well, I get called “Weird” or “A waste of space” and my favorite “You’re just faking an illness, you can’t see it”. It’s things like that, that make people want to kill themselves. Please think about what you’re saying to someone before saying it. You can trigger people by saying certain things, or doing certain things. Also please read up about Mental Health if you don’t understand anything about it, you will never understand it fully unless you have it though. For all those who are battling depression with me, you’re not alone.
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On The Road 